I can remember well the question ringing in my own head. “Am I a mother…or a grandmother?” My answer now to myself is, “You mother, therefore you are a mother.” And ultimately, my answer to other grandparents caring for grandchildren is that children need mommies and daddies. If there is no one else who can fill that role emotionally, physically or psychologically, the obligation — and yes, the privilege — falls to the care-giving grandparents, provided that they are in it for the long haul.

The resourcefulness of children is awe-inspiring. Left to their own devices, they will affirm their own identity for themselves. And just as Goldilocks tried out bowls of porridge, sizes of chairs, and the softness of bedding in order to sort out where her true comfort level lay, a child will finally come home to the inner conviction, “You are the parent. I am the child. This is where I belong. Everything is just right.”

When all is said and done, when the dust finally settles (and it will!), all children need to know who their birth parents are. And you never want to keep that information from them. But whether you are called Mom or Dad, Grandma or Grandpa, the decision is really up to your grandchild and you. Just remember that whatever you are called, you should convey the truth and make sure that any shift in naming supports the best interest of your grandchild.

There are grandparents who wait for their adult children to get their acts together. Who wait for them to go into rehab, to come out of rehab, to get an apartment, to find a job. There are grandparents who wait every day for their adult children to begin to show some sense of responsibility, some evidence that they can be parents.

Sometimes the waiting works. Sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t and grandparents become the primary caretakers of their grandchildren, important decisions must be made. One of these decisions is what the grandchildren should call their grandparents. The answer depends on many variables. If you find yourself in this position, I suggest that you ask yourself the following:

• How old was your grandchild when he or she came to you?
• Was she already accustomed to calling you an affectionate name, such as Grammy and Grampy?
• Are his birth parents still a viable part of his life?
• Does he know them as parents?
• How long do you expect your grandchild to be with you?
• Who is her psychological parent?

I believe that it is essential to look to your grandchild for cues. If he was very young when he came to you, even if you started out as Nana and Grampa or Bubbe and Papa, things may change when he reaches school age. At this stage children begin to want someone to call Mommy and Daddy. They want to be like the other kids in this most basic way, and they may make the shift to calling grandparents Mom and Dad on their own. I have even seen examples — lots of them — of much older children making that shift as well. They make it because of their overriding longing to have that need fulfilled.

Arrangements vary with each family. There are no set rules for such personal, intricate negotiations. One family I know well has a grandmother who is Mom, a grandfather who’s Papa and a birth father — very much a part of the child’s life — who is Dad. When Dad and “Mom” are out with the little girl, heads do turn.

Dealing with painful feelings

Children, of course, need positive outlets for their pain and disappointment. You can help your child deal with his disappointment over having only one parent or his anger if there has been a divorce. Help him express his feelings, and then help him to make plans for what he wants to do about his feelings. All feelings are acceptable and valuable. What your child does about them is a different matter. Children benefit when they understand the difference between what they feel and what they do.

Help your child learn to be emotionally honest and to stick up for himself. Allow him to share his needs and wants with you. But help him also to understand that others may not give him what he wants.

Find ways to fill your own cup and take care of your own needs so that you have the energy and enthusiasm to enjoy your kids. Don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself. See this time as a gift to you and your children.

Teaching Life Skills

Children can learn that life is filled with all kinds of circumstances, some of which they may not like. They can learn, grow, and benefit from life’s challenges. And while they can’t control everything that happens, they can control how they deal with what happens.

Emphasizing the benefits of single parenting does not mean that you don’t recognize that problems exist. It does mean that you know that idealizing someone else’s situation and having a negative attitude do not help.

Your child will be influenced by your attitude. If you act like a victim, chances are that she will also feel like a victim. If you have an optimistic, courageous attitude, chances are that she will adopt this attitude as well.

Here’s what one mom had to say about single parenting. “I feel guilty about being a single parent. One reason is that I’m afraid my child will be deprived by not having two parents. The other reason is that I just don’t want to spend the time trying to be both mother and father. I want some time for myself. How much will my child suffer because of my inability to do it all?” If you’ve heard yourself say something like this, it’s important to step back and analyze your child, yourself and your situation.

It’s a myth that children are more deprived because they live with a single parent. They could be much worse off if their unhappy parents stayed together and set the example of living in an unhealthy relationship. Realize that one healthy parent is enough, and work to develop a good attitude about being single. Remember, it is not our circumstances, but how we deal with those circumstances, that has the greatest impact on what we get out of life.

It’s also a myth that parenting is always easier for two parents. Parents often fight about how lenient or how strict they should be or criticize each other for not spending enough time with their children. Don’t idealize the circumstances of others. The grass is usually not as green as you think on the other side.

An undervalued, but real, benefit of single parenting is that it often gives children the opportunity to feel needed. So it’s very important that you do not pamper your children in an attempt to “make it up to them.” Have family meetings, even if you have just one child, and get your child involved in doing chores, solving problems, and planning fun events. In single-parent families, kids definitely have a chance to make meaningful contributions, feel needed, be listened to, and be taken seriously.

When upset, children often strike where it hurts the most. In a single-parent household, a child may threaten to go live with the other parent. If this happens, ask yourself, Is my child just angry and trying to hurt me? Is she trying to get out of doing a chore? Does she really think it would be better at her father’s house? After a cooling-off period, discuss the possibilities with your child. “I wonder if you were angry about . . . ” Follow up by helping her find a solution to the problem.

When her children would threaten to go live with the other parent, one mother would say, “Okay, but you can leave once and you can come back once.” None of her children ever took her up on this, because they knew their mother said what she meant and meant what she said. They also realized that she took them seriously and respected their right to live with the other parent, but would not be manipulated. This made them think about whether this was really what they wanted to do. And after giving it some thought, they all decided to stay where they were and to use their problem-solving skills at their regular family meetings.

Don’t fall for your child’s attempts to manipulate you through comparisons with the other parent. Share your feelings and state your position confidently. People do things differently, but together you can respectfully decide how things will be done in your house.

continue on with Dealing With Painful Feelings

Jump for Your Life!

When you think of jumping rope, you probably picture fourth grade girls in pigtails at recess. In fact, fourth grade was probably the last time you even saw a jump rope, much less used one. But, it’s not just for kids anymore. Not only is jumping rope a great cardio exercise, it is also a good way to work on things like balance and coordination. Plus, a jump rope can travel with you just about anywhere. Sure, it might take you a while to remember how it goes but, once you do, you’ll have a great addition to your current workout routine.

There are only two things you need to jump rope. A good pair of aerobic or cross-training shoes, and a jump rope. For the shoes, make sure you have a reinforced toe and that there’s plenty of cushioning for the ball of your foot. My favorite aerobic shoes are made by Ryka, one of the only companies out there that makes shoes specifically for women. For the jump rope, you should choose one that’s lightweight and you might also consider ropes with foam grips, which are comfy and won’t slip if you get a little sweaty. But, before you buy a jump rope, make sure it’s the right length for you. Step on the center of the jump rope and bring the handles up to your chest. The handles should be no higher than chest level.

One disadvantage of jumping rope is its frustration factor. The first few times you do it, you may just give up after tripping over the darn rope too many times. But, the rules of jump roping remain the same as they always have; you turn the rope, you jump. Simple as that. Okay, so maybe you chanted something (‘Cinderella, dressed in yella, went upstairs to kiss her fella….’) back when you were 10 years old, and you had plenty of friends to make it fun. How can you make it fun now?

1. You simply must have a boom box and some high-energy, funky music to get you in the mood.

2. Have a workout planned. If you haven’t jumped rope in 22 years, obviously you don’t want to settle into a 30-minute jump-fest. You want to start small and maybe jump for two minutes and rest for two minutes. You could even make it into a circuit program in which you jump rope for two minutes, then do a resistance exercise, say pushups, for two minutes. Alternate with jumping rope and training specific body parts to get a whole body workout.

3. Learn the basics. One of the best ways to get into jumping rope is via video. Video fitness is booming, so there are plenty of jump roping videos to go around. Freestyle Roping offers basic instruction on every jump roping move invented. Plus, you’ll get great tips on choosing a jump rope and other equipment. AeroJump with Michael Olajide is another possible video choice, although you might want to wait for this one as it’s more for the advanced jumper.

If I haven’t convinced you to start jumping rope yet, maybe this will do it; you can jump rope INDOORS! No more heat and humidity or trying to find something to do with kids. In fact, this is a great way to get the kids involved in fitness, is it not? Might as well start jumping!

Have you ever thought about being an Olympic athlete? If you’ve ever sat riveted through a complicated balance beam program or an intense ice skating drama, you probably have. Like most people, I’ve often wondered what would have happened if I had pursued my swimming a little further, or kept going with those tennis lessons. Now I’m almost 30 and it’s too late for the Olympics, but it’s not too late for me to get involved in sports.

These days, there’s a sport for everyone; basketball, tennis, swimming, running, volleyball, soccer, and on and on. You don’t have to be 16 to enjoy participating in sports and, now that you’re older, you can actually have fun this time around. Now all you need to do is decide which sport is right for you.

Endurance Sports

Can you hit the mall and shop for hours without taking a break? Are you able to drag your three kids through the grocery store, get all your groceries and then stand in line for 45 minutes without collapsing in a sobbing heap? Then you’ve got endurance! What is endurance? According to the Cambridge Dictionary Online, it is “to experience and bear (something painful or unpleasant) calmly for a long time.” That pretty much sums up any trip to the store with the kids, right? So, now that you know how amazingly strong you are, what is endurance good for?

1. Long Distance Running. Marion Jones is one of the world’s greatest sprinters, but she probably couldn’t make it through a marathon despite her incredible physical conditioning. Why? Because it takes endurance. Sure, you can train heart to go longer and stronger, but if you’re a natural, you’ve got it made in the shade. Go to New Runner to find out how to get started and how to join a runner’s club near you.

2. Swimming. Just about anyone can swim and, if you can’t, it’s never too late to learn. Look at Jenny Thompson who is making an incredible comeback to star in the Olympics this year. Okay, so maybe she trains up to six hours a day to boost her cardio endurance; you don’t have to work that hard. Find a suit and consider joining a swim camp to learn the perfect swimming techniques. Another great resource is your local college or university.

3. Cross-Country Skiing. You’ve heard this is one of the best cardio exercises you can do and they’re right. Cross-country skiing works every single part of your body and makes for an incredibly strong heart.

4. Basketball. You played it in high school so you probably remember pounding up and down the court, avoiding elbows and what-not, and wanting to die as your chest heaved and your heart pounded. There’s nothing harder than dashing up and down a basketball court and, best of all, it’s actually fun! Your best bet here is to visit your local health club and start playing around on their basketball court. Enlist your friends and, if you can’t remember all the rules, so what? Make up your own!

Strength

Some sports require strength more than aerobic endurance. Gymnastics is a good example. Dominique Dawes needs incredible strength and power to flip and turn down the balance beam. Put her on a track for a run and she probably won’t go very far. Some of you lucky ladies are naturally strong. You can lift, carry and swing everything from your four-year-old to the nine bags of groceries in the back of your car. If this sounds like you think of the following sports.

1. Tennis. Many of you already know how to play tennis, but you probably never thought about how strong you have to be to do it. You have to have the conditioning to run from side to side on the court and your arms and torso have to be incredibly strong as you nail that ball and send it flying over the net. Tennis is one of the easiest sports to do because all you really need is a tennis racket, a tennis court, and maybe a little guidance from a pro. Call your local racquet club and you’ll find everything you need.

2. Bodybuilding. I can see you wrinkling your nose, but I know many women who started lifting weights, got hooked, and are now serious competitors. So, don’t discount it just yet. Even if you don’t go pro, you can learn how to lift weights to strengthen those bones.

3. Volleyball. It’s fun, it’s a great workout and you can do it on the beach barefoot, if you want. Volleyball is also easy to learn and all you need is some great arm strength and, of course, timing. If you ask around, you could probably find countless volleyball leagues in your community. Your best bet is to set up a game next time you hit the beach on vacation.

Stairclimbers are a controversial choice in most gyms. Why? Most people either love the stairclimber or they hate it. Visit any club and you’ll see loads of people restlessly standing in line for the treadmill or cross-trainer, but, chances are, empty stairclimbers will stretch to infinity. Why are these people wasting valuable time by standing in line rather than hopping on a free machine? Because, stairclimbing is hard and it ain’t for the faint of heart!

It’s not that hard to figure out why stairclimbers are so scary. The look so much like…um…stairs! And we all know how hard it is to walk up several flights of stairs, right? Still, with the stairclimber your feet remain flat throughout the movement, so it isn’t quite as hard as actually walking up stairs. Bottom line? Your cardio workouts should overflow with variety because that’s what your body responds to and that is also what keeps things interesting for your mind. Stairclimbing is simply another way to get your heart rate up and tone your backside, so add it slowly to your regular routine and you will increase your endurance and maybe firm up your rear!

The Good

The greatest thing about stairclimbing is that it is an excellent cardio workout. If you’re looking for cross-training activities or want something that’s low in impact, this is the machine to use. Karen Asp at Health Gate notes that stairclimbers “offer toning benefits, especially for lower body muscles like the hips, thighs, buttocks and calves.” Convinced yet?

Using the stairclimber can also burn lots of calories in a short amount of time. For a 130-pound woman, climbing burns about 265.2 calories for 30 minutes of sweat-time. That is comparable to running, which burns about 292.5 calories, sans the impact. Another plus is that it’s easy to learn. Walking up stairs is a natural motion, so you won’t have the learning curve you’d have if you were using, say, the elliptical trainer.

Most stairclimbers offer a variety of programs to choose from to make your workout a little more interesting, so take advantage of them. Change your resistance levels throughout your workout to get little bursts of intensity and, remember, stand up straight!

The Bad

First thing you’ll notice is that stairclimbers have handles. Know what that means? You got it! You might not get the ‘total’ body workout you’re looking for like you would on a treadmill or a cross-trainer. The simple solution is to take your hands off the rails! This will require practice and balance but, over time you’ll get used to it. The rails on stairclimbers also lend themselves to bad form. You’ve seen those poor pathetic souls hugging the handles for dear life as the sweat pools at their feet. Well, sorry to disillusion you, but this is just wrong. If you’re working so hard that you have to hug the machine, that’s a red flag that you should either slow down or try another machine until you build up more endurance.

The Ugly

It takes a long time to build up the leg endurance to do the stairclimber for longer than 10 minutes at a time. Plus, it hurts. You’ll feel it in your thighs, your butt, your calves and maybe even your lower back. This is why you see so many people using bad form. It’s a good idea to test the waters a bit before you make the stairclimber your machine of choice.

Another thing you might want to keep in mind is that the stairclimber may not be the best machine to use if you have any sort of knee problem. Chances are, the climber may aggravate any aches and pains in the joints. Keeping your heels flat and your hands off the handrails can help with this, but if you experience any pain, stop your workout and head for the treadmill next time.

The Skinny

If you don’t do anything else while you’re climbing, please use good form! First and foremost, stand up straight! When you hunch over or hang over the handrails, not only do you burn fewer calories, you also set yourself up to get injured. Second, keep your heels flat. When you use your tippy-toes you put more stress on your knees and you end up targeting more of your calves than your thighs. Keep your heels flat and relax your knees and you should feel a difference right away.

The first thing you should purchase is a resistance tube. You can find these at any sporting goods store or even Target or Wal-Mart. They’re cheap, they’re small and they can deliver a great resistance workout when you don’t have access to free weights. You can use the tube to work every muscle in your body, from your chest and biceps, to your butt and thighs. Don’t know what exercises to do? How about a video to get you started? Try the TNT series with Leisa Hart (Arms & Abs and Buns & Thighs); you’ll learn exercises you can do anywhere, anytime.

You might also want to consider a jump rope. Jumping rope is an incredible cardiovascular exercise that will boost your endurance and help you burn calories like crazy. Not only that, jumproping is a weight bearing activity and is a great way to strengthen your bones and stave off osteoporosis. Get some pro guidance with Freestyle Roping, a video that will have you doing figure eights and interval jumping in no time.

Don’t forget your running/walking shoes, either. What better way to explore your terrain than to hit the streets for a brisk walk or jog? Many cities have great running trails; ask your hotel about parks, trails or favorite local spots for a quick run.

Lots of hotels have exercise rooms. They may not be fancy, but any type of equipment will do. The trick is to make it short and intense. Ride the bike for 20 minutes with short sprints every two minutes or so. Make use of the dumbbells or nautilus machines with a quick circuit training workout. Alternate a few minutes of cardio with some weight training exercises for a total body workout. If they have an indoor pool, go for a quick swim, doing short sprints to elevate your heart rate.

Ask your hotel manager if your hotel has an association with a local gym. That way, you can get access to all of their equipment for a small fee that’s usually within walking distance.

Above all, don’t quit exercising! If you plan your business trips to include a little exercise time, not only will you be able to handle stressful situations better (like delayed flights and expensive cab rides), you won’t come home with a load of guilt and a couple of extra pounds on your body.

Got a bun in the oven? If you’re pregnant, you may be desperately concerned with weird cravings and frequent bathroom trips, but there’s something else you should be thinking about. Yep, it’s exercise! No one likes to hear it, but exercise is good for you, especially when you’re pregnant. There are many good things cardio workouts can do for you throughout your pregnancy, as well as after you’ve delivered the little bundle of joy. As always, though, before you start any exercise program, visit your doctor and get the go-ahead. Once you’ve got that out of the way, start thinking about active things you can do for you and your baby.

Cardio exercise is different when you’re pregnant, depending on where you are in your 9-month journey in the creation of life. During the first trimester, you might be experiencing the dreaded morning sickness. If you’re one of the unfortunate ones, you’re feeling nauseous morning, noon and night (bless your heart). If you’re too sick to exercise, we understand. Keep eating those crackers, girlfriend, and join us when you can function without barfing! For those of you lucky enough to sail through your first tri without morning sickness, this is the perfect time to either start a workout program or continue with the one you’ve been doing. Heather Rawlinson states “if you were in good condition before getting pregnant and active, you should be able to continue at the same level you did before becoming pregnant (as long as you have your doctor’s approval and feel comfortable with it).” However, you want to make sure you montior your heart rate closely and keep it below 140 beats per minute.

Keep Your Eye on This!

The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology says that there is “no data in humans to indicate that pregnant women should limit exercise intensity and lower target heart rates because of potential adverse effects.” In fact, during pregnancy, women can continue to exercise and derive health benefits even from mild to moderate exercise routines. However, being pregnant means modifying your workouts just a bit. Pregnancy Today lists the things you should keep your eye on during your workouts:

1. There is usually a decrease in the amount oxygen available during pregnancy. This means you should modify your intensity if it is difficult to breath. If you feel lightheaded or dizzy, please stop exercising and head to your doctor!

2. If you’re pregnant, you should watch your exhaustion level. Don’t workout to complete fatigue!

3. Stay well-hydrated during your workout.

4. Make sure you’re getting adequate food and fuel for your workouts. Pregnant women generally need about 300 additional calories a day to maintain their metabolism.

The Great Things About Exercise and Pregnancy

Almost every study done on exercise and pregnancy concludes that it is better for mother and baby to engage in physical activity throughout pregnancy. In one study, Dr. James F. Clapp III discovered that pregnant women who exercised had shorter, easier labors and quicker recoveries. Not only that, the same study also found that exercise contributes to better weight regulation with less backaches. And, don’t forget what happens after delivery. Your child will benefit later in life from your exercise. Most children with a mother who exercised during pregnancy tend to be more active and have less body fat than kids that don’t.

Heather Rawlinson also points out that “exercise can help you ‘feel healthy’ during your pregnancy and boost your spirits. Exercise can help prevent back pain, muscle cramps, swelling, fatigue, and can even help you sleep better at night. It increases stamina and muscle strength, which helps during birth. Being in pretty good condition can cut down on labor and recovery time after birth.” If that doesn’t convince you to get moving, shall I point out that being fit during pregnancy will help you lose the weight a bit faster after delivery?

What You Can Do

The one thing you can do while pregnant is walk! If you’ve never exercised, walking is a great place to start since it doesn’t require any special equipment and you can modify your walking according to how you feel and your fitness level. If you can squeeze in about 30 minutes, 3 times a week, you can get all of those awesome benefits. Don’t forget to warm up before your walk and to cool down afterwards. Drink plenty of water and stretch and don’t get breathless! Monitor your heart rate to make sure you aren’t working too hard!

In her article, Lisa Stone mentions that swimming is another great way to get your heart pumping. You may not know this, but pregnancy loosens your joints in preparation for delivery which means you’re more susceptible to injury. Swimming is great because it keeps you fit and it gives your joints a break since they are being fully supported by the water. Lisa recommends swimming laps or taking a water aerobics class. Keep in mind that water may mask any overexertion or dehydration you may feel, so drink plenty of water and stop if you feel lightheaded or dizzy.

If these activities don’t float your boat, how about biking? You could hit the recumbent bike at the gym which will give you great back support plus a heart rate monitor so you can slow down if your heart is beating too hard. If you’ve got a real bike, head out for a glide through the neighborhood with your water and your helmet. Listen to your body; if you’re tired, avoid anything too strenuous like hills. If you’re feeling pretty good, challenge yourself by increasing your resistance. As always, don’t forget to warm up, cool down and stretch.

If you’ve been a member of a gym for a while and enjoy step aerobics, don’t stop just because you’re pregnant! Simply modify the workout by taking out any turns (or anything else that will challenge your balance) and maybe take your step to a lower level if it gets too strenuous, or you can even do the workout without a step if you need to. Take lots of water breaks and be sure to thoroughly cool down and stretch.

If you’re looking for something a little more interesting than walking, think about getting an exercise video. Sarah Kooperman, a certified trainer, offers several videos for pregnant women looking to exercise safely.

If you’re a woman you probably can’t get out of bed without having to deal with breast cancer in one way or another. For some of us, we think about it because of family members who’ve had it and either recovered from it or died. For others it’s because they have breast cancer and are trying to survive. For the rest, it’s because they’ve had breast cancer and lived to tell about it. Just being a woman connects us to breast cancer and we all have to be aware of it and do whatever we can to prevent it from happening to us.

Can You Prevent Breast Cancer?

Most people know the benefits of exercise. It reduces chances of heart disease, high blood pressure and diabetes, as well as makes us feel and look better. But, what about the effect of exercise on breast cancer? At Oncolink, Mary Kara Bucci, MD discusses the studies that have been done regarding exercise and breast cancer prevention. Dr. Bucci notes that, in one study, “[w]omen who reported exercising at least twice a week for 1012 months per year in late adolescence had the same risk of developing breast cancer as those who exercised less than 1 hour per week.” But, don’t get discouraged! Another study found that women who exercised 4 or more hours per week reduced their risk of developing breast cancer by more than 50%. Why the big difference? The studies were designed differently, and therefore, produced different results.

What researchers are currently focusing on is exercise and hormones. Martha Irvine of the Associated Press states that researches believe exercise lowers the level of estrogen circulating in a woman’s body. It is estrogen which stimulates cell growth in the breasts, which increases chance of breast cancer. The bottom line is that, while there are not enough definitive studies on exercise and the prevention of breast cancer, there is every reason to continue doing it. Even if there is no direct connection, there are so many good things exercise can do for you and, with all the research being done into breast cancer, there’s a good chance they’ll find more info to support the exercise-breast cancer connection.

Can You Exercise if You’re Recovering From Breast Cancer?

If you are recovering from breast cancer, first of all congratulations! Second of all, you might be wondering how much you can and should do as you make your way back to good health. Breastfit.com is a website that provides information about breast cancer and offers a video you might be interested in. Jill Forrest, a breast cancer survivor, started the company Better Than Before Fitness, Ltd. which has created the first rehabilitative/exercise video for breast cancer survivors. What’s amazing about this video is that it takes you through the first day after surgery to six weeks later. It is taught by Lauren Antorino who is an AFFA/ACE certified trainer and all the participants are breast cancer survivors. Obviously, you should check with your doctor before doing any sort of exercise, but this video is suitable for just about anyone who is recovering from breast cancer. If you have questions, visit the FAQ page where Dr. Peter R. Neumann answers questions about breast cancer and exercise.